Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
