But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
