I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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