Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
