my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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