Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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