I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
