some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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