I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
