I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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