i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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