i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
