Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
