Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
