i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I did not marry a roomba.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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