Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
