the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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