I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
