I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
