bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize