On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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