I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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