I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
