i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He passed out mid-signature
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize