chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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