while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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