After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
