Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
