How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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