if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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