Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
