I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
