so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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