I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
