i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
