Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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