I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize