either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
