I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
