If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
