Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
