she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
