I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize