my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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