saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
