i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
