Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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