I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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