Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
