Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
