if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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