So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
