I cannot find my penis.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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