I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
