3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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