it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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