I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
