I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Still dying that you shit outside
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
