he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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