Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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