he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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