time to smoke my breakfast
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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