I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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